No, I don't doubt

No, I don't shout.

But I think, and that's worse.

Shrieks

Of pain, anger, resentment
in my dream
she fought with him
he spat fire
she, shrieks
long, beastly, ghostly
in my head
a drunken head
they echoed in the dark
and only that evening
they'd fell Ravana.
They were real
from an apartment? Hell? Home?
No, she couldn't be in that much pain.
A frantic message sent for help
But Solitude was the only friend in sight
Until Sleep came along.

Why?

In seven beautiful days
Why do I feel like writing about that one miserable night?
In an infallible eternity of faith
Of that fleeting moment of doubt?
In that wish to stay forever
Of that one moment when I want to escape?
In that ‘beyond’ belonging
Of a strange estrangement
When I judge my life most harshly as the heart pounds loud, questioning itself
But the ifs and buts stand no chance
For the morning must take care of this monster

A wretched, wretched day

Yeah one of those.
When you don’t feel a thing.

Sleep, disturbed, cold
Dreams, confused, insignificant
Just a warm arm to take refuge in
Don’t feel peace don’t feel rest

Morning alarm, a message
Of disappointment at work
Harried hurried
Love, lost to the sun
Smiles, to many a ‘let’s go quick’
Don’t feel no good morning, this

A dead, dreary ride
Spotting familiar faces so unknown
The train gates open to the sea of mankind
And you float about lost, up an unfamiliar spot
Thankfully, a bottle of mango shake to down
A miraculous moment – oh, so that’s why I landed here
But no, it feels no better

An auto ride – short, sun fought
Stops at that structure so mighty
It stares, you feel small
And still smaller in the day

A part wants to get away
Another wants to stay, find a way
Amid absolute apathy and desperate drive
My best nerve, numbed

The misery makes you reach out
To deaf ears, busy souls
Who care
But aren’t quite there
When you can’t feel life inside

And so you ping at random
Greeting friends for some solace
They’re generous
You write a poem
Pouring it all out
Stare at that unresponsive window
Yawn wide
Crave a long free ride
And by the time it pops an active orange
You’re gone
The seeker, sad and sleepy
The help it sought, welcome no more
The lover, low and in slow mo
It doesn’t feel a thing.

In Your hands

The chaos theory.

The perplexing practical.

Beautiful as it is.

Great. Fate.

Smiling skies. Hidden highs.

Slowly showing. Free flowing.

Fighting the norm

Feeling changing form.

Realizations of blasphemy

Beaten by bouts of insanity

So sure. Is it premature?

It’s hard to break this guard

Clouds of doubt, despair, disapproval

Now there, now gone

Cautious of the crescendo

Judgment, the devil of dreamland

Peeping, poking, joking

The mind, a cynic soaked in sense

The heart, smitten by a simple, sweet smile

Their wars, leaving me worried

Till warm words and arms end them all

Sweet sleep

This dream, say the Lords, I must keep

An elegy for the ephemeral

Time to leave the rants and remnants of the year, here…

Effortless exhibitionism

A speck in the scheme of things

From rhododendron groves to the rhododendron grave.

I sealed my past with tears

To wake up to smiles of us

You, yo-yo

Opening closing

Reopening all chapters,

Tore the beautiful book apart

Chose habit over heart

No-ing me. Knowing yourself

‘For old time’s fake’

Words can lie. Silence can’t.

Like those wisps of juniper

Memories burned, fragrant

‘So much for my happy ending’

No mercy, no befriending

Others drew paintings from my pain

Tried to wipe it all out, in vain

No – I wasn’t washing dirty linen in public —

You had already wrung it dead and hard and put it out to dry

I, an emotional standby

Battled heart and dust

With memories of that fresh water spring over those of the one that went by

Summer, dry, diseased

A flower whose fragrance I had hoped would heal me

One that I thought, I’d someday really get to see

No one told me uphill was easy

Downhill, not

The Buddha, smiling, his secrets, bare.

Can’t brush them into oblivion, that epiphany so rare.

A thousand negations and sadly, I’d still care

When I was falling into the blackhole from a place so high

I pushed you away

You popped up

I was breaking away, there was the ‘what’s up’

All talk so topical lest we stumbled into never lands

Miles away from the magic

Of wee walking, holding hands

Prayer flags aflutter

But my dreams had pulled the shutter

My thoughts wandered in a strange universe

Were things to get better? Could they have gotten any worse?

‘My blessing became my curse’

I stood in preparation of permanent pointlessness, still enchanted

My sleep blown away by mountain wind

My waking hours

Washed with realizations

Of rhododendrons vs reality

As I sought myself in my city

So complete as it was, once

You non existent, forget being a cause

Of smiles, sorrows, sense of self

Your ego, a giant. My hopes, an elf.

Random thoughts

Of what nots —

Touching me with a purity

Which in that moment was

Promising a surety

When all was gonna be a loss

You failed. Me, struggling to pass

It wasn’t I who was wrong

It was you on a different song

Matter of tactly

As Sartre said, existence preceding essence

I kept telling you to do what your heart felt like

Didn’t know part of it wanted to murder mine

Does hurt render all things false?

Perhaps I know. Makes it easier to let go

And even as to go away is to stay

There feels nothing like the final washaway

Summer start

Part-tiring, part inspiring.
A blog boy who fascinates
A silent spectator who ruminates
A shiver
It's the liver.
Giggly girls, and me, the yellow journalist
A quick copy, hope it wasn't sloppy
Not in form. Not my norm.
Bright reds and soothing whites floating about
Kindness no less
Need to wait and get better I guess.


(Written on Day One of new work , back in July)